No coherent post today. Just a list of anecdotes to sum up my recent happenings - in roughly chronological order.
Enjoy.
______________________
"I can't help you. I no longer possess the energy or the interest to continue screaming."
~Vague
______________________
"I can only mock you with that abject and inhuman laughter - reverberates throughout the uncanny valley. The irony? It's not even directed at you. That's how little I care. Now move aside, I'm not done yet."
~Vague
______________________
"Most people can't just shut the door the way you can."
~My Mother
______________________
"Don't let the space between you and someone you value fill with all the things you wanted to say, but didn't. There is no couldn't."
~Vague
______________________
"Stop saying, 'we'."
~Vague
______________________
"I speak things into existence all the time. I always know even as I'm saying it. They're hardly ever good things, though. Good things are always a surprise."
~Vague
______________________
"The effects of causality on the human mind and subsequently the world around it? Extraordinary."
~Vague
______________________
That's all. Anyone that disapproves of self-quoting clearly hasn't recognized the inherent problem that is assuming someone else can always say it better than you, and that one shouldn't pursue their own ideas. How do you think that someone else got where they are?
Later for now.
~Vague
Ps. Most of this has nothing to do with the previous post, in case anyone watching the soap opera that is my life was concerned. Heh.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
I'm Kind of Pathetic Some Days...
"I don't have to be human around you. And yet, you bring out all the annoying human tendencies I thought I had either forgotten or never learned. I can't even stop myself from talking, for all the things I really wish I would say. You subtly intimidate me in ways I didn't know were possible. "Invaluable," is the word I'd use to describe your role in my life. I can't picture a future in which you're absent, yet I run to alternatives, afraid of the fact that I feel and what I think about you, another human being. I constantly build worlds in which I've found another way, a safer way, a distant substitute only to find I haven't the energy or the desire for any of those realities to come to pass, if I can help it. Afraid I'll lose you forever either by grasping too hard, or not hard enough. You stand next to me in the iced-over window to my flurries of thoughts - all I want is to have the courage to hold your hand. Perhaps I was mistaken, before. Perhaps you do exist, Airi."
~Vague
~Vague
Friday, September 19, 2008
A Chink in the Armor
Busy - trying not to let my thoughts wander too much, trying not to seem too interested in watching my hands move when I tell them to. I can't help it. It's too early. There are too many.
I've done well, though, nothing too unusual today: it's almost time to leave, finally.
Someone asks a question. I turn to look at them, and there are her eyes, like headlights, the hot circles carved in the back of my head told me so, so long ago. I don't really understand how the two of us operate to be honest...but today, I wasn't ready to acknowledge that she thinks about me. It's just too early. We understand each other too well, yet not well enough, it seems.
Of course, now I'm anxious, but we can finally leave! I can't go out the front door, the rest of them watch me too closely for that not to be logged away. A bold dash through the middle of the aisle it is. I regret this decision already.
I'm walking too fast. I'm drawing attention. She knows I'm walking too fast; probably doesn't know what to make of it. Thank goodness she doesn't take things like this personally, like all the other behemoths here touting their self-proclaimed familiarity with my actions.
Two people. One on the left, one on the right. They insist on trying to walk up the aisle while maintaining a conversation with people across the room, and acting as if they have no idea they're blocking the whole aisle. Of course, by this time, I'm a mixture of panic and fury, trying to squeeze between them without being rude. It takes two tries.
Just as I'm home free, a girl talking to some guy looks at me with every thought attached to my visage etched into her face. I'm surprised she can even move her face anymore with that kind of effort. I know she's not thinking a whole lot about it of course. But me? The flood gates have opened, my mind is hemorrhaging, and I need to get out of there. I tried to keep a neutral face, but I winced a little...to the self-centered it probably looked like and will be thought of as a look of disgust. Oh well. I'd like to see them not wince when there's razors and nails scraping against the inside of their skull. Not to mention the poltergeist thoughts and memories that love to come out at the most inopportune times.
I walk too fast, way too fast, unreasonably fast out the door, and outside where I can breathe. It was just too early. There just were too many. They think they're familiar with me. She was looking at me again. I needed more time to re-construct myself. I just wasn't ready for this today.
Tomorrow will be even worse.
~Vague
I've done well, though, nothing too unusual today: it's almost time to leave, finally.
Someone asks a question. I turn to look at them, and there are her eyes, like headlights, the hot circles carved in the back of my head told me so, so long ago. I don't really understand how the two of us operate to be honest...but today, I wasn't ready to acknowledge that she thinks about me. It's just too early. We understand each other too well, yet not well enough, it seems.
Of course, now I'm anxious, but we can finally leave! I can't go out the front door, the rest of them watch me too closely for that not to be logged away. A bold dash through the middle of the aisle it is. I regret this decision already.
I'm walking too fast. I'm drawing attention. She knows I'm walking too fast; probably doesn't know what to make of it. Thank goodness she doesn't take things like this personally, like all the other behemoths here touting their self-proclaimed familiarity with my actions.
Two people. One on the left, one on the right. They insist on trying to walk up the aisle while maintaining a conversation with people across the room, and acting as if they have no idea they're blocking the whole aisle. Of course, by this time, I'm a mixture of panic and fury, trying to squeeze between them without being rude. It takes two tries.
Just as I'm home free, a girl talking to some guy looks at me with every thought attached to my visage etched into her face. I'm surprised she can even move her face anymore with that kind of effort. I know she's not thinking a whole lot about it of course. But me? The flood gates have opened, my mind is hemorrhaging, and I need to get out of there. I tried to keep a neutral face, but I winced a little...to the self-centered it probably looked like and will be thought of as a look of disgust. Oh well. I'd like to see them not wince when there's razors and nails scraping against the inside of their skull. Not to mention the poltergeist thoughts and memories that love to come out at the most inopportune times.
I walk too fast, way too fast, unreasonably fast out the door, and outside where I can breathe. It was just too early. There just were too many. They think they're familiar with me. She was looking at me again. I needed more time to re-construct myself. I just wasn't ready for this today.
Tomorrow will be even worse.
~Vague
Monday, September 15, 2008
!
So this is the second time I've been to this class, and I've gotta say, I absolutely love it so far. I actually went so far as to write the following quote to describe it:
"It isn't so much a class as it is watching a human think. I don't agree or disagree with him, necessarily, but to watch him think is just - beautiful."
If a 3 hour class in the later half of the day doesn't put me to sleep when I've only had 4 hours of sub par sleep the previous night, you know I'm interested. I guess I should've figured there was a reason this class had no text book. Though I guess I had, but perhaps I could have been more optimistic about the reason I came up with.
Well that's all for now; just a random little thing. See ya!
~Vague
"It isn't so much a class as it is watching a human think. I don't agree or disagree with him, necessarily, but to watch him think is just - beautiful."
If a 3 hour class in the later half of the day doesn't put me to sleep when I've only had 4 hours of sub par sleep the previous night, you know I'm interested. I guess I should've figured there was a reason this class had no text book. Though I guess I had, but perhaps I could have been more optimistic about the reason I came up with.
Well that's all for now; just a random little thing. See ya!
~Vague
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Oh, Human Behavior, you're too kind!
I always know it's coming. There's a definite cycle, of course. However, that doesn't stop it from being annoying. In fact, that makes it worse. I can't really imagine being so unaware of my own actions. And yet, the fact that I am aware, makes life a bit harder for me. Go figure.
So yeah, most people that I meet treat me like garbage at every opportunity the minute they think I'm in their pocket. I'm not entirely sure what it will take to make them understand that when you do that, you should expect that the person you're doing it to will probably not interact with you the same way later. Just because I happen to be quiet, and a little bit odd, doesn't mean that I feel like you're sparing my feelings or doing me some great favor, and that I should be forever grateful to your benevolence in letting me be in your presence to take shit from you. Most are rather surprised that I can only find the patience to say, 'hello,' to them after such an occurrence. Fascinating.
I am not here to be the, 'work horse,' of your friends. The one that you call upon to do all the favors (favors you probably wouldn't return, I might add) and activities completely devoid of any kind of fun because there's no parties going on, or no one else happens to be around. My time is, in fact, very important to me, and yet people would treat it as if it's completely worthless if I let them. Which reminds me that I'm fairly sure someone is about to ask me a favor soon. I'm pretty sure I know who it is, but we'll see. Depending on what kind of mood I'm in we'll see exactly how disappointed they'll be.
Just because I don't say anything, doesn't mean you've gotten away with anything, either. I'm sure you think you're hot shit, making obscure references and doing stuff behind my back when you think I'm not looking. Sadly, for you, I'm typically very well aware of these things, and the fact that I don't say something, given my general confrontational nature should tell you three things, if you were as smart as you think you are: A. I don't care. B. I know something you don't. C. Wait until you need something from me. Why is it people always think they can get over on me? I'm not an idiot. Far from it, actually.
Oh! Then there's the people that behave in some unreasonable manner. Could be anything, depends on the situation. But then, when I point out that they're being unreasonable, suddenly it's my fault, and it doesn't matter because I'm supposed to be there to get vented on. Next thing I know, I've got a person not speaking to me, or what have you, even though they know damn well they owe me an apology. Absolutely my favorite! If I decide I want to keep the person around, I've gotta bite the bullet and make them talk to me, and possibly deal with forgoing the apology I'm owed, in order to save their fragile little ego; it doesn't matter if they publicly humiliated me, said horrible things to me, or managed to hurt my feelings (a rare, rare, rare, event), nope, I'm still obligated to be understanding and reasonable about how not understanding and not reasonable they are, yep. Thats real fucking cute. Good thing I only subject myself to such a demeaning and insulting series of events once in a blue moon. Sidenote: if anyone ever tells you women don't have an ego and/or pride to cater to, they are dead wrong, and you should punch that person for having misled you so.
The above is also really similar to this situation. A person knows they have a particular flaw, or are unreasonable about a particular thing. But, instead of using that knowledge to work on not being that way, they instead use that knowledge as an excuse to keep doing it. I don't think I have to explain how little sense this makes. Things like this would blow my mind if I wasn't too busy blowing my mind about other, more important shit.
I really didn't want my first real public post to be angry, but I've been a little frustrated lately. Mainly about how utterly mindless this whole dance is. It's just frustrating all around when you aren't quite as, 'fun and interesting,' (read: typically shallow and focused on very inconsequential things) as other people. And see, this sounds like high school, but it's not. Goes to show, high school never ends! Most of the people that talk to me kinda drop off at the beginning of the year, and then start contacting me later when their new friends turn out to be horrible. Apparently, it's rather offensive when I don't care. Huh. Not really my fault or my problem, but whatever.
Last thing. This is for people that get a bunch of new butt buddies every semester to hang around with: that's fine, but honestly, acting as if you didn't even see me when I wave or attempt to say hello just because you don't think I'm as cool as your new friends is so absolutely childish.
If you ignore me in front of your friends, I'll ignore you when they're gone.
~Vague
*coming soon* Vague tackles the hilarious topic of sex! (sorta)
So yeah, most people that I meet treat me like garbage at every opportunity the minute they think I'm in their pocket. I'm not entirely sure what it will take to make them understand that when you do that, you should expect that the person you're doing it to will probably not interact with you the same way later. Just because I happen to be quiet, and a little bit odd, doesn't mean that I feel like you're sparing my feelings or doing me some great favor, and that I should be forever grateful to your benevolence in letting me be in your presence to take shit from you. Most are rather surprised that I can only find the patience to say, 'hello,' to them after such an occurrence. Fascinating.
I am not here to be the, 'work horse,' of your friends. The one that you call upon to do all the favors (favors you probably wouldn't return, I might add) and activities completely devoid of any kind of fun because there's no parties going on, or no one else happens to be around. My time is, in fact, very important to me, and yet people would treat it as if it's completely worthless if I let them. Which reminds me that I'm fairly sure someone is about to ask me a favor soon. I'm pretty sure I know who it is, but we'll see. Depending on what kind of mood I'm in we'll see exactly how disappointed they'll be.
Just because I don't say anything, doesn't mean you've gotten away with anything, either. I'm sure you think you're hot shit, making obscure references and doing stuff behind my back when you think I'm not looking. Sadly, for you, I'm typically very well aware of these things, and the fact that I don't say something, given my general confrontational nature should tell you three things, if you were as smart as you think you are: A. I don't care. B. I know something you don't. C. Wait until you need something from me. Why is it people always think they can get over on me? I'm not an idiot. Far from it, actually.
Oh! Then there's the people that behave in some unreasonable manner. Could be anything, depends on the situation. But then, when I point out that they're being unreasonable, suddenly it's my fault, and it doesn't matter because I'm supposed to be there to get vented on. Next thing I know, I've got a person not speaking to me, or what have you, even though they know damn well they owe me an apology. Absolutely my favorite! If I decide I want to keep the person around, I've gotta bite the bullet and make them talk to me, and possibly deal with forgoing the apology I'm owed, in order to save their fragile little ego; it doesn't matter if they publicly humiliated me, said horrible things to me, or managed to hurt my feelings (a rare, rare, rare, event), nope, I'm still obligated to be understanding and reasonable about how not understanding and not reasonable they are, yep. Thats real fucking cute. Good thing I only subject myself to such a demeaning and insulting series of events once in a blue moon. Sidenote: if anyone ever tells you women don't have an ego and/or pride to cater to, they are dead wrong, and you should punch that person for having misled you so.
The above is also really similar to this situation. A person knows they have a particular flaw, or are unreasonable about a particular thing. But, instead of using that knowledge to work on not being that way, they instead use that knowledge as an excuse to keep doing it. I don't think I have to explain how little sense this makes. Things like this would blow my mind if I wasn't too busy blowing my mind about other, more important shit.
I really didn't want my first real public post to be angry, but I've been a little frustrated lately. Mainly about how utterly mindless this whole dance is. It's just frustrating all around when you aren't quite as, 'fun and interesting,' (read: typically shallow and focused on very inconsequential things) as other people. And see, this sounds like high school, but it's not. Goes to show, high school never ends! Most of the people that talk to me kinda drop off at the beginning of the year, and then start contacting me later when their new friends turn out to be horrible. Apparently, it's rather offensive when I don't care. Huh. Not really my fault or my problem, but whatever.
Last thing. This is for people that get a bunch of new butt buddies every semester to hang around with: that's fine, but honestly, acting as if you didn't even see me when I wave or attempt to say hello just because you don't think I'm as cool as your new friends is so absolutely childish.
If you ignore me in front of your friends, I'll ignore you when they're gone.
~Vague
*coming soon* Vague tackles the hilarious topic of sex! (sorta)
My preference for middles to beginnings and endings surfaces once more
So I could transfer some things. But I'm too lazy for that.
That said, I apologize, but there will be no introductions. If you have any questions concerning...well anything, feel free to ask. This doesn't guarantee an answer, or the answer you might want, but I just thought I'd put that out there. What I will say is that this is my blogspace. As such, I reserve the right to be vulgar, curse, say things bluntly, and generally talk about whatever is on my mind. The Vague here, is probably much different than the one that posted on your page. Which brings me to another great topic! Why you're probably here: I randomly and out of nowhere wrote something on your blog while browsing through. That's what I do. The likelihood that I actually know who you are is fairly low, and if by some chance I do know who you are, I probably won't say so. That would defeat the whole purpose of...well everything.
The main purpose for this is simply that I'm not quite as closed about some thoughts as I am about others. I don't really expect to have anyone reading this anyway, and I really don't expect anyone to say anything. Typically, people tend to lurk around my activities without ever actually having the balls to say anything, so I'm assuming that will remain true here.
So, without further ado...welcome to Mundane!
~Vague
That said, I apologize, but there will be no introductions. If you have any questions concerning...well anything, feel free to ask. This doesn't guarantee an answer, or the answer you might want, but I just thought I'd put that out there. What I will say is that this is my blogspace. As such, I reserve the right to be vulgar, curse, say things bluntly, and generally talk about whatever is on my mind. The Vague here, is probably much different than the one that posted on your page. Which brings me to another great topic! Why you're probably here: I randomly and out of nowhere wrote something on your blog while browsing through. That's what I do. The likelihood that I actually know who you are is fairly low, and if by some chance I do know who you are, I probably won't say so. That would defeat the whole purpose of...well everything.
The main purpose for this is simply that I'm not quite as closed about some thoughts as I am about others. I don't really expect to have anyone reading this anyway, and I really don't expect anyone to say anything. Typically, people tend to lurk around my activities without ever actually having the balls to say anything, so I'm assuming that will remain true here.
So, without further ado...welcome to Mundane!
~Vague
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